Below are the 14 most recent journal entries recorded in dmbgrl3's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, August 24th, 2004
9:33 am	The last entry of the summer.. Well, its official. Summer for most of us is now over. Looking back, ..how did we end up doing and feeling so much? What an adventure. There were many nights of "good" times, but there were definitely some "bad" ones too. I think the thing Im going to miss most about the summer, is the emotional freedom I had this year. With each summer comes something unexpected. Something unplanned. Well, I have seemed to be reliving part of last summer yet in other ways. Different ways, ways I kind of like. No questions asked, all care free, knowing that what ever happens is better just to happen...then to try and force things. Friends were just great. We seemed to have all found a common ground yet again, and even though this town of nothingness didnt offer us much. We made the best of it. Its time now for us to go away and pick up as Kristen calls it "our second lives" and begin something new. Forget what you want to forget, but remember the things that matter the most. And if you forget them, then they musy of really never mattered all that much in the first place. I learned that just last year, and throughout the summer. Summer leaves of us with one thing, memories. Some of us wont go away, but before we know it we will be back to the start of the summer and will be facing this all over again. I dedicate my song of the summer to Billy Joel's "Moven Out" for its a bittersweet memory to me, and the best nights of the year to Fourth of July Weekend, and of course, Beer Pong Tournament and late night BBQ at my house. I toast one last time, to friends of the summer. (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 19th, 2004
12:35 am	Moving in Circles..no more. People often IM me or question these journal entries. I'd like to think I do it to express my feelings towards something, or to keep friends who are far up to date on my current life. Well, those both are good excuses for this journal...but the truth is I do it for myself. I do it to see the growth in myself. We all seem to grow up and change so much we tend to miss out on that change. I use to keep a diary. I began writing in it last October and when I looked back through my entries, I decided to destroy each page in the paper shredder. Why? Cause I couldnt believe the person I was through the past year. I was so unhappy with myself and so many things at that point in my life. Its strange though, because I had a lot of wonderful things going for me. I think they just all came at a bad time. I was doing great in school, applications were becoming easy because I had nothing to hide and everything to show, I had love, family, and health...but I was so sad. Each day it was like I struggled to get up and go to school, and I found every possible excuse not to go. By journaling my feelings I was able to go back and look over the good and bad times. Its terrible, even when the greatest things were happening in my life, they just couldnt overcome the bad things. Now you ask what these bad things might have been. Little things, piling all into one. My uncle died after battling cancer for about 10 months, three weeks later my mom was informed she had melanoma,the yearbook thing, bad idea...way too much stress on me, being away from the kids I loved the most, and kid. Although I had a great guile, I was such a sad person. With each day though I seemed to turn things around. That is why I journal. I look at the events that happened during that time, to see what got me out of my slump. It was little things. New friends, people, things I've never tried before brought excitement to my life. I got rid of my journal because I vowed never to let myself go back to where I was before. I wasnt quite me. And I needed time to find myself again earlier in the year, so if I pulled away from you, or hurt you in any way. Im sorry, it wasnt your fault-just entirely mine. This summer I was very happy. Very content. I owe that to my friends and friend. They reminded me that I was a good person at heart, we could do nothing and have fun, and that by just being together, even if it is at 12 am for dollar pretzels, we're having a blast. I made a lot of decisions this past summer. But looking back I have seemed to be moving in circles. I found myself doing repeatedly old things. I think I have been doing that for most of my life. I dont think I can any longer be that person. Yes, I can let go, and yes I get over things, rather quickly. Too quickly sometimes. But regardless of what I want to do, I always seem to work my way back to the point I started at. I never want to do that again. I dont want to be the person who doesnt move on from something. Rereading my entries where I say I believe if you want something bad enough, fight for it, its worth it.....dont give up on hope. You shouldnt give up on hope, but you shouldnt dwell on it. I've been reading a lot lately. Infact maybe a book every 1-2 days. And these books arent short ones. I just seem to have a lot of time on my hands during the day and fill those voids with literature. I learned most importantly, no one is perfect, so dont strive to be close to that. Everyone makes mistakes, and if you dont, make one so you dont feel so left out. Also, if you are going to chase after something, make sure its not running the opposite way, or better yet...dont run at all. Let IT chase you, atleast then you'll know that something wants you. Games are old, and were no longer little kids. The majority of us are in college now, isnt it time we act somewhat civilized with our feelings? To do that we need to transcend from stupid high school relationships and feelings, and move on to better REAL things. Things we knows that have potential. At the moment, I dont see anything potential anywhere near by. Past, or present. Its time to move on, and forget things we've once experienced and done. Too many bitter moments. Im ready to take the straight path to something new. Im not shredding these pages or previous entries, Im just glad that I see how I have grown from the beginning of the summer..(from a careless, social butterfly on the verge of finding comfort in confusing situations...to a determined young women ready to take on the challenges of finding something real, something sure, not to mention ridding something thats a waste of time.) Who knows, I might never find this. It might take me years to find something real, find something exciting 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Maybe Ive yet to find true happiness in anything. Maybe theres still a world of opportunity out there for me. I dont know. But I do know this. In nine days I leave for college and I am ready to embrace anything new and entising that passes my way. From friends, to guys, to knowledge. Im ready to jump from the rim of these circles and run towards the newest unknown thing that passes my way. Or better yet, I'll watch it pass by ...and let it stop for me. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 11th, 2004
10:42 am	Better yourself through a book... Lately it seems everyone has been having trouble sleeping. We're teenages what the hell is up with that? Aren't we suppose to be sleeping like ten hour nights with atleast a three hour afternoon nap. Geez, beats me. I think a lot of us have a lot on our mind because we know the summer is ending and our actions and thoughts are racing throughout our minds. People who had summer flings' feelings have escalated to other levels, kids are scared to go away to college and leave home, or maybe they are just bored and thinking on higher levels then normal. Well, for me. I have been thinking a lot. But I realized that sometimes thinking isn't the answer. As of yestarday thinking led me to nine hours of sleep in the past two days. So last night I decided to shut down my mind and read a book and relax. Before I knew it three hours had passed, and my book was finished. It took my three days to read 400 pages of a somewhat interesting story. It was almost like I transcended myself into the story. Sometimes we need that bit of adventure to light up our lives, or hell, sometimes we need something erotic to make us smile. (thats for all you lonely lovers out there) Once I even read a book on "How to sing in English and the Meaning behind the Movement" and it amazed me. Sometimes we just need those books to free us from reality, or give us insight thats needed to help us in other ways. After I finished reading I felt so relaxed and some of the issues I have been contemplating didn't seem to matter anymore, if anything, they didnt seem like issues at all. Over analyzing something can kill you, so next time your lost in thought or racking your brains out, read a book. You never know what you might learn from a story. Current Mood: relaxed (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 4th, 2004
5:34 pm	Climbing the walls of the doldrums.... Lately I have not been as happy and positive as I've tried to be this past summer. Nothing really has been going on that motivates me to want to go out and most of my friends schedules dont seem to match well to my own. But Im not going to let this little bump stop me from making the best of whats left. I went to the doctors today, and he told me he thinks I've been worrying about some things I shouldn't be. He thinks I might be taking on other problems that dont affect me, or ones that I shouldn't even worry about because they're not worth it. So good deal, I can handle that. No worries, no problem. I think Im also getting a little down because I'm packing things away for school and I have no idea where to start. I have such a long list I dont know where to begin. I got the majority of my "must haves". Now I just need to put it all together and decide which of the "already haves" I need to lug with me when I go. Im really looking forward to starting something new in my life. I talk to my roommate everyday and we seem to mesh well. I dont think we'll have any problems other then the ones we ask each other for advice on. I'm looking forward to going to school again. That seems crazy I know, but it really doesnt bother me to go to class, do work, and get something out of it. I've always enjoyed school. Im really gonig to miss some kids here..(or kids that are here now, going away too). This summer a lot has changed in my life. New faces became best ones, and old ones became fun ones. Strong friendships even became stronger. Theres really no point for any one to be sad right now. Summer is suppose to be "good times" and we have so much to look forward to. (Besides, Vineland will still be here...if we come back.) August is here, and in about twenty some short days, I'll be a full time college student. Other then missing the people who matter the most, and dads good dinners, I'm transcending the doldrums of Vineland, and I heading to a more fun, exciting "college style" environment. (Comment on this)
Friday, July 30th, 2004
9:30 am	Heres to Rutgers.. Today my roomie from college called me. Although we're playing phone tag right now,(cause work sucks) I was so happy to hear from her. She sounds very sweet and nice, and I cant wait to meet her and begin our college times together. Thinking about how I'm gonig to be moving on leaving A LOT behind, made me look back to the past four years at Vineland. High school was so much fun. I have grown so much and have experienced so many different things. I can honestly say I got the full experience of high school. Here is a list of some of my top 15 "good times" I have had in high school... 1. My first high school party with Marie and the tennis team. 2. The ski trip, and all the skiing I did not do. 3. Scoring two goals against Ocean City freshman year. 4. The Freshman first, and my Senior Prom. 5. Hanging out at UL with the most unique kids around. 6. The first kiss at UL with the best friend. 7. Going to Aarons on New Years Eve 2001, the best ever. 8. Times at Danes with Lizzo, and talks with Derrick. 9. Driving Beej's truck jammin to Jimmy Eat World, and of coarse Konstantine. 10. Beating Washington Township in a shootout, #1 in SJGSL. 11. Spending the rainy weekend in the Tahiti Inn with the greatest kids in the world. I mean that you guys. 12. Going to see Yellowcard at the Troc with friends. 13. Being the birthday suprise at the 19th annual Brian Vannella birthday bash. 14. Fuck it nights with Aaron and Ashley, drinking at 7 and cleaning by 11. 15. Playing Rizzo in Grease and meeting new kids who I know will be friends for a lifetime. These memories will always be with me. Always. So far this summer I could easily list another 15 moments I will always cherish. Thanks to my friends who have made them awesome. You guys are in my heart always. Heres to the Scarlett Knights, let the learning and fun times begin... (Comment on this)
Monday, July 26th, 2004
11:15 am	My three day life lesson... These past few days I have learned some new things about myself. The strawberry blonde hair theory that red heads are "stubborn and short tempered" suits me quite well. You see I dont really have a bad temper but I am incredibly stubborn. If you make me mad, you make me mad. If you want me to do something I will do the complete opposite. Terrible isnt it? Well....these past few days I have learned I need to put all my stubborness aside and focus of something more important. My feelings. I guess you can say since the summer began I was living in a little bubble where I thought I could control the world and stop and start its rotation whenever I pleased. I learned life doesnt work that way. Oops. Now, I know I do not know much about life because I'm only 18 years old, but..... I know one thing; you can't pretend to make something work when its not, and you should never hold back feelings or do something to hurt someone purposely because no matter what happens the shit you cause will come back and slap you in the face shortly down the road or later in life. A friend recently told me that I dont see things/people. I stopped for a second to think about this. I think its not that I cant see things, I think its that I choose not to see certain things. I can hide feelings so deep inside instead of allowing someone to see me and get close to me. I put up a barrier and keep them as far as possible. I have evened lied to protect myself from someone knowing how much I cared for them. Well as I said, these past few days I have learned so many lessons. One, its not in my best interest to be rebellious. It doesnt really solve any of my problems, nor does it help out any situation I seem to be stuck in. Two, I can't control everything that happens. I believe I always had control over my feelings but sometimes things happen and you cant pick and choose how you feel. About certain situations and people. Even friends. And lastly, I need to always be honest with myself and everyone around me. By doing this as Russo tells me everyday, "you can never go wrong with honesty; everything will work out." Well buddy, I will always take your advice and live by this. Until the truth kills me. From here on out..anything can happen. And Im just going to let it.. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 18th, 2004
5:39 pm	The greatest kids in the whole world.... This morning I was getting ready, and I was sitting on my floor. Yes, thats how I get ready. I sit on my floor and run my hands through my raggy hair and think. Well, this morning thinking was very hard yet so easy. A. My head really hurt, but B. I was sure of one thing. I had the greatest time of my life with the greatest kids in the world, plus two who couldnt make it. (Yes, plus two.) I'm so fortunate to have a "great group of friends" as Mom and Dad stated while we cleaned up because with each relationship I have, there is something special in that bond and we amazingly all come together to click as one. My closest girls, are awesome. Last night when I couldnt understand a certain statement, two of my closest friends turned a dim situation into an awesome conquest for me. They made me feel so much better and I could really tell they cared. I also couldnt tell you how many times they reminded me to have fun and not worry..(Hakuna Matata) My guy friends, they are just fucking unreal. Not only are they fun as hell to party with, I love them all when were just sitting around laughing and having a good time not drinking in excess. They all have such big hearts and really care. I can hang out with them all individually, and together. I love them all to death. Bluto, you have the biggest heart in a man I have ever seen. You truly are the best, and you always will be. Our children are going to wonderful. Three times a day! ;-).. Russo, my sister couldnt stop talking about you enough for the generosity you showed hanging out with Juan, and the respect you carried with yourself all night. You are so wonderful, and you deserve the world. And lord knows, Court will give that to when the time is right. Michael and David...you boys crack me up. I can always count on a great laugh from you wonderful wonderful boys. Your jokes are great (the first few times..haha, just joking) but the compassion you have for frienship is even better. I have never met a group of guys more concerned about their females friends happiness then these four boys above. You remind me everyday of what real friends truly are. I am so thankful I have a group of friends I dont argue with over and over again. I love we can talk freely to each other, and still know we love each other ten times more then we hate each other. ( I'm incredibly joking now, I dont hate anyone...and I really mean that.) We have pulled together through some crazy shit, and we still are. I am so glad I will be spending the majority of my summer nights with you guys. Thank you everyone who made this graduation day awesome. Although not everyone I loved was there with me, thats the one thing about having great friends sometimes...theres too many of them, but theres nothing bad in that. For sure. Thank you all for enriching me with the values of good friendship. They are traits I will take with me to Rutgers this year when I form new relationships. I think everyday this summer so far I have made a new friend. I think college is going to be an awesome experience, and I cant wait to share all my jokes and stories with you all, hoping to top Ashley's and Schnieders... You guys all mean the complete world to me. You are the greatest kids in the whole wide world.... (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 14th, 2004
10:27 am	Hakuna Matata... I've come to the realization that I can be a very happy, healthy person, when I want to be. Looking over the past year, and the days so far of summer I have found myself to be full of worries. But I dont think I need to have those worries anymore. Friends who once tested my relationship and gave me fear no longer do. Situations I once avoided I can now look straight in the face and smile, because things are better and right, and I have no worries with them anymore. I feel like I might actually be able to start to be carefree. I have no deadlines, no serious tests to take, no more sick friends, and no more beating myself up for the little things that I should have changed or done differently in the past and present. I'm beginning to realize that if I worry about everyone else and every situation, the sadness, anger, and fear will kill me. Yes, it will destroy me. It already tried to, but I realized that I'm not going to let it bother me any longer. Hakuna Matata, no more worries for the rest of our days. Now, I know thats an impossible motto to live by, but Im going to try as long as I can (until I begin this whole five year dual major program at school) stress and myself, are taking a break from each other. It's summer time....so why worry about anything. A lot of kids have told me that their summer sucks, but I think this summer has been a lot of fun. I'm spending time with new faces and I'm learning a lot about them. I've grown close to some special kids. I've also spent more time with older faces, realizing how much I missed them when they were gone, and how glad I am to be with them until August 28th. I think if I relax a little, I'll enjoy myself more. I'm really looking forward to this stress free life style. For the first time last night I slept through the night with out waking once. That has not happened to me since freshman year, and I even was in bed before one. I think some really good things are going to arise out of this new kind of lifestyle for me. No worries, all smiles and laughter. Knowing everything happens for a reason, and everything will be all right. (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 11th, 2004
11:14 am	Pessimism doesnt seem to make things better.. Lately I have been looking around and I find that there is so much negativity happening. In my life, and my friends. Seeing all the negativy, hearing bad comments, fighting, and not looking on the bright side has surely made some people quite miserable. But tonight I was thinking about everything. Im the type of person who enjoys laughter and smiling and having a good time. I cant be around someone who is always so negative and looking down on the things that dont matter in life. Or the little pointless things. I read about a boy who was beaten and locked in his basement. His dad never fed him and when he finally escaped his house to go to see his mom in Florida, she told him to get out because she couldnt help him. By the time he reached home again he had died from lack of food,water, and sleep. Now thats a problem. I think we all take our problems and make them in to huge catastrophes. Its a common thing to do cause most people dont have excessive life threatening problems, so the take the tiny ones and blow them out of proportion. Im not going to lie, this past year I let myself pretty much fall apart. I thought the end of one good thing was the end of everything. And through overlooking the bad I learned that it was just the beginning of something quite amazing. An independent experience of my own. Through this experience I have come to meet all kinds of friends and other people who are important to me now in my life. I wish I could have realized all this sooner. I pushed friends away, I pushed problems away and I hurt myself and so many others while going through all of this. My family being part of the many. But times have changed and I believe that if you want to change something about yourself you can. You are who you are. Your actions and decisions reflect you. I really wish some of my friends would stop for a moment to think about what the bad and good things are in their life. Health, love, security. Before the next time they say fcuk off, or Im pissed as hell, I really hope they have good reasoning. Cause I really dont want to be in an atmosphere of pessimism again. I know I sometimes still take a small problem and fuss over it, cause I am female and we do get upset. But Im not gonig to let it control my mood or my outlook on certain things. When that happens, (as I always say to whiners) I'm going to say to myself.."build yourself a bridge, and get over it." (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 7th, 2004
11:50 am	Babies having babies..and abortion No matter what you grow up with and learn through your religion schools and health classes, if a girl finds that she has herself a surprise coming in nine months, or what most girls would call an accident--abortion seems to be her way out. I personally dont know what this feels like because I have never come across this situation, but as Liz and I always said, "we'd either kill ourselves or die of shock" (just kidding, never would do that) But I dont think I could put myself in the position to kill a living thing inside of me. Knowing that maybe one day that small little person could be the next David Beckham or Average Joe. I think that I would find myself off far from home, coping with the mistake, or actions, searching for a family to take care of this child. The main reason I feel this way is because of a friend of mine I work with has been trying to have children for the past three years, and has had repeated miscarriages and failed attempts. Although she still remains optimistic she internally struggles to admitt that she might never have a child. That to me is so sad, because she would make such an awesome mother. Sitting there talking to her about her situation, I think of all the past girls I've known to have children, abortions, or lose their baby too. Just thinking, maybe Kath could have had that child. Abortion might be a way out, but sometimes it isnt the best way. Its amazing how many different types of abortion methods are now out there. Its like the world and America is promoting casual unsafe sex stating to girls everywhere, we'll bail you out. So go for it. Maybe if there werent so many different means of abortion, people would think twice about what they are doing. Love and life is scary, and one of the greatest things we will ever experience is one of the scariest. I guess if we arent mature enough to go about it the right way, then we shouldnt be doing it at all. I just hope that people will learn to understand these things aren't jokes. Cause I know if there really is a God and heaven, I don't want him to send me to hell for a mistake I made when I was 18 years old. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, July 5th, 2004
11:08 pm	Beaching it up, can tell you a lot... Today I spent the day on the beach reflecting my long three day fun filled weekend. I had to think long and hard about this past weekend, one because 75% of it I was drunk, and two I did some really crazy things. First I spent time with family which is always good for me. I get to see my dad's family about five times a year, and Saturday my Aunt Debbie threw a BBQ for 90 people, with a DJ and every type of edible BBQ dish known to man. I spent all morning helping her prepare. It felt really good to do something for her because after my uncle died, it was hard for her to move on. In fact, it still is. After being with her I went to another BBQ. This one was a little less warm I should say. But Im glad I went. I was able to understnad emotions I had inside of me for some time now. I came to realize that those emotions really were figments of my imagination and I worry for nothing. Everythnig happens for a reason, and on that day I understood perfectly the events that happened in the last five months of my life. I can say I felt completely free and burdenless, completely at ease with the decisions I have made. Some people just are really meant to be together. Even if Im not one of those two, Im still happy. Saturday night, that was just a completely different story. Peanut butter mudslides, vanilla vodka, beer and wine...and I still remember every part of the night. Blairs was a blast, a very good time. After Blairs was also fun..infact, I spent the whole day on the beach thinknig about that day/night. I learned a lot about the people the around, and what exactly defines fun, and a good time. The fourth of July was very chill and Ashley and I enjoyed our 40's greatly. Who would have thought.We were able to spend the night with new friends, and great old ones. They know who they are. David and I had a nice day and the beach, he surfed--and I read and enjoyed the breeze of the shore. I was able to really understand some of my feelings. I came home and wrote them down and sent them off to someone who needed to hear me out. It was a big risk, but something I needed to take. Tomorrow its back to summertime life style. Working, class, gym, and sleeping. But for now...Im just tryin to squeeze in those ounces of fun, with the people who matter the most. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 1st, 2004
9:06 pm	Liking someone new...somewhat.. When people have random hook ups, regardless of what anyone wants to say, there is a small chance in one of the minds that the person they are kissing could turn out to be a potential girlfriend/boyfriend. Negative. Probably 1 out of every 10 hook ups happens more then once, and that 1 is slim for most people. To most people I say, smart move. Who says you cant like someone and be their friend at the same time? I mean, I dated many of my friends, and yeah they didnt always turn out so great but I learned from each experience and I continue to learn as I grow older. When you kiss someone and it means nothing, kiss them again. First times seem to be tough. If you feel something for that person ON the first time, kiss them again. You might have just been caught up in the moment, or better yet...it might be even better. Its not a crime to like someone, in fact, its better to like someone then be with someone out of pity, or kiss someone to distract your mind from someone else. That is just a sad excuse to kiss someone. Sorry. Im not going to lie. I like someone. Someone new, somewhat. We seem to have a lot of fun together. We have a very strange connection though. We tend to fight a lot, and argue, but when its him and me alone, we are completely into each other. (Its even been said its completely obvious when we arent.) But we are just friends, friends who kiss, and have a good time. Nothing serious, which is how we both want it. But Im not going to lie, I like someone new, somewhat. Whether he wants to admitt it or not, atleast I will. I go into this not with the intentions of finding a lasting relationship, but with the intentions of knowing Im going to make the best of this, and have a really good time this summer. I need a little laughter in my life--and he definitely gives me that. (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 27th, 2004
10:20 pm	Stuck in between emotions.. Well, last night was the first night of summer I can say wasted away. I babysat for about five hours but the time passed quickly because I had severeal things to occupy my mind. If I could have one wish for the world, it would be for boys and girls to stop talking to themselves, and start talking to each other. Why do guys think we are all alike? Why do girls seek out some type of comfort and warmth in every guy they kiss, or attempt to for that matter? Why do we try so hard at something that we know we might never succeed in? Because thats how we are. Boy, girl, person. Everyone wants what they cant have, and when they get it they dont want it anymore. At the moment I'm trapped in a situation where Im trying so hard to get someone to understand my feelings when all they do is tell me the feelings I have do not exist. The are reading me from the complete opposite angle I am coming from. Most girls in this situation would say forget it, you arent worth it. But summer to me is something that makes going to school all year worth while. Work hard then, party and try new things now. Im not going to give up. Maybe I am the wrong party in this situation, but I need to find that out for myself. Due to lack of conversation, or should I say "being clueless" to each others feelings and thoughts, this is one confusing situation. But, I'm not ready to walk away. And I'm sorry, but absence is not the answer. Today is one of my best friends graduation parties, and I cant to spend some time with quality kick ass kids. These are our last days and moments together, so celebrating long friendships and accomplishments is well earned. (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 26th, 2004
10:18 pm	Lets make the most of summer... When I was a freshman I had this crazy idea that I was going to lead an eventful teenage life and was going to write a book about it. The only two people who seemed to take interest in it were my great friends Aaron and Donny. Aaron has always been open to different things, and hes an awesome person for that. Donny himself is a writer of experience, so of coarse from one determined mind to another, he supported me. To this day, four years later I still sit down at my computer to type away an experience or write about a major lessoned I learned either through friends, alcohol, love, or just seeing someone do something that had an effect on me. Here I am, getting ready to start a completely new chapter of my life and Im still typing away. College. In 63 days I will be heading north to begin a new way of life where my parents will pretty much be paying for me to drink, have sex, and learn about the random drugs Shakespeare was taking when he transcended reality to create a sensational theatrical show. What a random order. Im not saying Im going to be the next Van Wilder or college chamelion where I eat, sleep, and breathe my college like some kids do, Im just saying Im ready for a new step in my life and I plan to experience whatever I can to the fullest capacity. But in the mean time, Im still here. Vineland. Yes, when the fuck will everyone wake up? Elevenue has the right idea. I cannot wait to surpass this town of nothingness. I'm glad I experienced the diversity of it, but Im the type of person who needs change. And a lot of it. Im sure that will catch up with me to ruin some aspect of my life in the future, but for now I cant sit still. Its like everyone worries about the same old thing. Friends, boys, sex, and smoking. And some kids think they have it bad. A guy once told me that he was sleeping in his van after his stepmom kicked him out. He said, "well if that's the least of my problems, then I'm happy." He was right. People have it so much worse and we dont tend to realize that because everyone is so caught up in there own little problems. I think we should all just be happy were alive. God, Im eighteen years old and I've burried three friends, while watching two other ones go through intense chemotheraphy treatments. And people worry about whose fucking there boyfriend/girlfriend. College really will be a good experience. I will always remember Vineland, I learned a lot here. But I know its time to move on from the past; experience new things. I'm not saying this is the town of hell I just feel so trapped sometimes and I want to run away as far as I can. I think I've tried to so many times I'm starving for something new. Regardless of where that place may be. But I am not there yet, I am here. It is summer. I cannot believe it. Senior year has passed, my friends are home and Im trying to make the most of every moment I possibly can have with them. I feel the summer will go by fast and I will realize once Im gone how much I truly love them and all our experiences we've had together. And that will tell me one thing, what and who I really cared for. I'm going to make the most of this time. I have already wasted a good part of my senior year, I dont want to repeat the regret of those actions this summer. (Comment on this)